It's inevitable

eh.

I hope Scott has a snow day Monday so we can just snuggle in bed all day

While we don't agree
(diametrically opposed)
we've come full circle

Was amazing.

For some reason, my mom, Kim, and this woman Lisa (who is a costumer at Lady Fingers) seem to think to be able to take a exclusive vacation with the significant other proves, somehow, that it will work out. I don't fully understand the logic but they're all older, married, women so I am going to assume they know what they are talking about.

Anyway I lost my digital camera on the cruise so we only have pictures from disposable cameras that I have to get developed. When those are scanned I will put them on the computreeerrrerer.

Ah, the best time of my life with the love of my life. It couldn't have been better.

I love this.

I just am NOT feeling class lately, what is wrong with me?

Anyway, I am being a raccoon for halloween.
just got some more stuff for my costume
it will be super amazing.
scott's being a scientist
niiki is being a cat
jesse is being.. i don't know what
liz is going to be an 80's punk rocker
it's going to be ammazzinnggg

electron tomorrow with future rock.
i love my life!

i love my new boots, they're exactly what I have been looking for.

on another note...

I have a lot to be greatful for -- and I am.
Life has been so wonderful.

love love love love love love!
my heart could burst.

I got a few new books today
Ready to devour them.
num num num

i feel random and happy.
ahhhhh
life!

I slaved over my first biology paper for three days pretty much non stop (except for work and sleep). I was worried about how I would do; I wasn't sure if it had enough info, he mentioned it shouldn't be shorter than ten pages, mine was just about nine. SOOO I am checking my email and i get an email from my professor: "Excellent work on the paper; very few people receive full credit on the first draft as you did."

My day went from already being at a ten to about a 200.

Why do I insist on leaving my papers until the very last second?
I work better under pressure?
procrastinator?

ugh.

The Over Soul

Ralph Waldo Emerson


We live in succession, in division, in parts, in particles. Meantime within man is the soul of the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related, the eternal ONE. And this deep power in which we exist and whose beatitude is all accessible to us, is not only self-sufficing and perfect in every hour, but the act of seeing and the thing seen, the seer and the spectacle, the subject and the object, are one. We see the world piece by piece, as the sun, the moon, the animal, the tree; but the whole, of which these are shining parts, is the soul.

Hiking feels so good. I love being in nature, playing hot lava, and listening to all the sounds. I see faces everywhere lately. and not just faces, but whole... beings. There's this tree on the highland trails that has fallen into another tree; it looks like he's (she's?) flailing his branches about, tumbling toward the ground... like he's (she's?) falling forward. It's really awesome. I can't really do it justice... Maybe I'll take a picture.

I want to build a bridge.

I saw Jake the other day and it really lifted my spirits. I love being around him, I always feel refreshed after I see him. We always have really good conversations and it just feels great.

I wish I went hiking with Elias more, because I want to be hiking like him. He's a great motivator and makes me want to sprint across trails. He's a freakin beast. You really have to see it in action, it's so awesome.

I feel like I'll look back at this entry and it will look vacant, but really I feel so alive.

I feel good lately.

I am feeling positive vibes from nature and my wild animal friends.
I am awfully tired today though.
I am making a lot of jewelry lately and it feels good to wear it, to express myself through myself. Does that make sense?


I am Melinda.

I feel so pathetic recently

since when did i begin to care?

I feel somewhat better.

Ah, I don't even know.

for some reason i didn't think i'd be feeling like this.

So, the past three nights Joshua has been coming over for dinner. It has been surprisingly pleasant but I think it's moving a little too fast... It's so easy though, I guess, to fall into old habits with someone you have shared most of your intimate moments with for the past 3 years. I told him I think it's moving too fast though and he agreed although when we are snuggling he kind of seems to disregard that agreement and tends to think with his other head. hah.

But besides Joshua life has been pretty good for me. I have been taking strides to improve my life and, for once it seems, I am actually seeing improvement. It feels good -- really good. It feels like I am actually starting to live on my own, for myself, instead of just living here in an apartment. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not... What I mean is, instead of eating cheetos for breakfast I am eating an english muffin, banana, with a glass of carrot juice. That's on such a small scale, but you get what I mean... I just feel good because I am taking care of myself, inwardly AND outwardly, a lot better than I used too and it feels great. I'm trying to cleanse my body, mind, and soul. And my living space has been kept really clean. There's this new idea I have been trying out: if I think it, I should probably do it; If I see a piece of paper laying on the carpet I should PROBABLY just pick it up and throw it out instead of looking at it and delaying it till later. Instead of leaving the dirty dishes in the sink I should just wash them NOW instead of waiting till later. I guess I am working on my procrastination now that I think about it. That's probably one of my worst qualities. It's improving though, little by little.

When Lauren read my tarot cards a few months ago they (who's they? the cards I guess, haha) said I would be going on a spiritual journey and, oddly enough, I feel like I am. I think 2008 is going to be a really good year (crossing my fingers and knocking on wood of course) for me and I think I am going to be doing a lot of growing as a person. I know we're only nine days into the new year but i already feel cleansed, even if only a little bit.

the only thing that has been weighing on my mind is Marissa. She came over last night for dinner and she has become so.. negative. Not the Marissa I am used to seeing and it was a little disheartening. I'm not sure if it's the company she has been keeping, her mom, or just life for her in general but it made me really nervous last night. It was written all over her face, in her body motions. She was constantly on the defense the whole night about ANYTHING and snapped at nearly everything I said. Or Joshua. Maybe it was the fact that Joshua and I were together? maybe she's mad? I'm not quite sure what it was, but it definitely made me nervous for her. It was just so WEIRD seeing her like that. Maybe I'll call her tonight, and see what's up.

Ah man, I have to take a shower.
have a greaatt ddayyy!

I think Joshua and I are going on a date this monday? I'm not sure if it really is a date or not, but either way I'm nervous. What the fuck is going on?

ahhhh. I dunno.

I can't formulate any way to express how I am feeling right now. A yearning. No. A need a better word. I feel crazed. I keep trying to push my thoughts into the back of my mind, but I can't surpress them any longer. I feel lost. I know where I am, but I'm lost. There's nothing familiar here, and anything that does happen to be the least bit familiar is painful. I keep trying to remember the bad times (which sounds insane, I know) so that I won't forget why this all happened in the first place. Why was it better this way? I can't remember. It's fading fast. Is this supposed to happen? I keep remembering how he looked at me. With such admiration and love. Why are these memories flooding back to me now? Will anyone else ever look at me that way? No. Sure, with love and admiration but not HIS way. Everything feels so painful right now. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No. That's not true. I have many people to talk too, they are just not the person I want to talk too. I need to get away from here. It hurts here. I'm so tempted to say something. Anything. I'm cooking something up and I don't know if it's the best idea, but it's the only one I got.

Was this a mistake? I can't tell if my mind is hazy or if I am seeing it perfectly clear. Did I come out of my shock? Am I being rational or irrational? Is it too late? Am I growing from this or regressing? My minds in a constant battle. I feel so lost. and Alone. I'm scared. My heart is pounding. My mind is moving too fast. I just want to feel okay. I just want to feel okay. How long has it been since we talked? I don't even remember the date, but it feels like months. What are you doing? How are you feeling? What are you thinking?

I used to know.

It suddenly hit me today.

I feel all weird inside.